Expand Your Fempire Podcast #156 Transcript

How Boundaries Can Help You Bliss in Your Business

with Elisabeth Stitt

 

Welcome to Expand your Fempire with Caterina Rando, the podcast for women in business on a mission. Sharing ideas to support you to grow and thrive. Now here’s your host, Caterina Rando.

[00:00:00]Caterina Rando: Welcome back to another episode of the Expand Your Fempire podcast. I’m your host Caterina Rando, and I am blissing to be with you. Today, we have one of my very good friends, Elisabeth Stitt, who is the founder of Joyful Parenting Coaching. She is a great mom, a former teacher, she supports people to bliss and thrive more in their families.

And we’re gonna talk with [00:01:00] her today about blissing through better boundaries. Elisabeth, Bing, Bing. I’m so happy to have you with us today.

Elisabeth Stitt: Bing, bing, bing, bing. So happy to be here.

Caterina Rando: Elisabeth, before we talk about boundaries, I wanna hear a little bit about you. I I mentioned that you are a former teacher. How did you decide to become an entrepreneur? Just give us a little info about your entrepreneurial journey.

Elisabeth Stitt: Yeah, absolutely. Having taught 25 years, I began to see big changes in first my students and then in my parents. And then the last three years I was teaching, I had a split role, part-time in the classroom, part-time, something called outreach teacher, which allowed me to spend a lot more time talking to parents more in depth.

And what became very clear is how overwhelmed, anxiety-ridden [00:02:00] and guilty parents today are feeling about their kids. The fact of the matter is, is that parenting is a social skill that we used to learn organically as kids and as young teenagers and adults in multi-aged groups.

And so all along the while we were getting trained in how to be parents. And then when we were parents, we had a wide group of multi-aged mentors, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends. And I began to realize parents don’t have that anymore. And I just thought, “what could I do about it?”

And then about the same time I met a life coach who said the golden words, which is that coaching is unregulated. And I thought, okay, there’s a vehicle. I can go do this.

Caterina Rando: Wonderful. And you’ve been doing your parenting coaching for how long now?

Elisabeth Stitt: 10 [00:03:00] years.

Caterina Rando: 10 years. Bing, bing, Bing. And I know you also do Joyful Family Camp and you have Joyful Adventure Days with families. And before we get into boundaries again, my friend, take a moment and share a little bit about Joyful Family Camp and Joyful Adventure Days ’cause I think this is so exciting.

Elisabeth Stitt: It is so exciting because it gives parents and kids, and I’m targeting the, those tweens, early teens, 10 to 14 year olds. And adventure Day is the one day experience. Camp is the three- day experience. They both have the aim of bringing parents and their kids together for fun and enjoyment and relaxation, but it’s all carefully crafted to be deepening connection, to be improving communication, and to help parents and kids come to some agreements about how they wanna treat each other as a family, [00:04:00] who they wanna be as a family.

And that’s really upper level work. Like that is, it is not just getting by. it’s not just, you know, get through this week, through this month, through this school year. That’s really saying we have this opportunity now, as parents, to build something very deliberately and we can go to camp and have fun and get the skills that we need to do that building.

Caterina Rando: I love that. Elisabeth, you mentioned the families come together and they make agreements about how they’re gonna treat each other. Well, that brings us to our hot topic for today, which is blissing through better boundaries. And is that what boundaries are, agreements for how we’re gonna treat each other?

Elisabeth Stitt: Well, yes and no.

So I’ll define what they aren’t. They’re not an agreement between two people because an agreement between two people requires two people. A boundary is really [00:05:00] your agreement with yourself of what am I going to, what am I going to tolerate?

A boundary is the line that I draw in the sand, and it doesn’t matter whether or not you’ve agreed to that line.

The second part of it is what action am I going to take if you cross that line? It’s not a threat. It has to be something that I am going to do. It can’t be something you are gonna do because I can’t make you do anything.

Caterina Rando: Can you share what are some real life examples of this kind of thing?

Elisabeth Stitt: Yeah, a hundred percent, absolutely. This is a kind of, kind of a heavy one, but it’s the one that popped into my mind.

I used to have a little room between my classroom and my neighbor’s classroom where the middle school teachers would often come and eat lunch. And we had a new science teacher [00:06:00] who would come to eat lunch and he would tell racist and sexist jokes.

And so I sat ’em down and I said, “you are welcome to come and eat lunch, but not if you tell racist and sexist jokes.” Now, because it was between my classroom and the other teacher’s classroom, it was our space to designate. I could make that, it wasn’t like saying the teacher’s room.

And so, you know, I just said to him, it’s inappropriate. It’s offensive. “Oh, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to get you upset.” Doesn’t matter what you intended. I’m letting you know it was inappropriate and offensive. And if you do it again, you’re just not gonna be welcome back to have your lunch here.

And, you know, he didn’t cross the boundary. He didn’t, he didn’t ever try to tell more sexist or racist jokes. He got the message and we were able to enjoy the parts of him that were enjoyable without [00:07:00] being offended or feeling like this is totally inappropriate.

So, had it been in the staff room where I don’t have any authority over the staff room, I would’ve had to have a different kind of boundary. And probably that boundary would’ve been if you tell racist or sexist jokes, I’m gonna get up and I’m gonna take my lunch and eat it somewhere else.

So I can still give the message, I can still let somebody know that they’re appropriate. I have a line, I don’t want it crossed. But the fact of the matter is, is that the only action I can take, when that boundary gets crossed, in that case was to remove myself.

Caterina Rando: And sometimes do you think in business, Elisabeth, that we make decisions based on our boundaries, but we might not even think of it as a boundary. As I’m listening to you share about this lunchroom, and then you would remove yourself. Like, [00:08:00] I don’t go places where I don’t feel good. If I go someplace, I don’t feel good, I don’t go back. If I go to a meeting and I leave more depresso than when I showed up, I don’t go back to the meeting. So is that a, I don’t really think of that as a boundary.

Elisabeth Stitt: 100%. Those are boundaries.

Caterina Rando: Okay. Beautiful. Bing. Bing.

Elisabeth Stitt: And you have boundaries that you are super clear about, about what women you allow into your community? And you know. I mean, you’ve told us that you have asked women to leave and you have given money back. Because somebody has crossed a line in terms of being too negativo.

Caterina Rando: Oh,

Elisabeth Stitt: Or something else.

Or being out of integrity and not paying people for the services rendered.

That would be a big one.

Caterina Rando: Right, right.

Elisabeth Stitt: Again, you are the one who had to take the action right? So just threatening to say, ” I don’t like that I’m gonna make you leave the community.” You back just that [00:09:00] up a hundred percent by getting people their money back. Mm-hmm. I feel like I am not getting into any conversation about this. Like we’re done. Right?

Whereas if you didn’t give them money back, it could have gotten messy. You could have had lawyers, you could have…

Caterina Rando: Well, you know, one of my guiding principles is if you can throw a little money and make a problem, go away throw a little money at something and make the problem go away.

And of course I know you have to have the money to throw at it, but at the same time. Another boundary is, you know, if something causes me stress, I don’t wanna keep that in my life. So if I can make a choice to leave or I can make a choice to throw some money at it to make it go away, then that’s taking care of myself.

Elisabeth Stitt: Yeah. Right. And, and let’s be really clear that boundaries are a hundred percent personal. They’re not a right or wrong.

For instance, you and I have different boundaries around people being [00:10:00] late or people you know, people missing things. That you are much more flexible on that and you are much more flexible about saying, “okay, we’ll catch you the next time.”

Caterina Rando: Right.

Elisabeth Stitt: You know, you’re gonna cancel on me? We’ll, we will find a way to keep you the next time. That is so indicative of your lovely, gracious generosity. Thank you. And at the same time for me, I know that holding the boundary, cause I’m a parenting coach and because parents struggle with boundaries and limits with their kids, I am super clear and part of the reason I’m super clear and then I follow through with them is so that they experience the clarity of being followed through with.

So if I, if I’m wishy-washy and I go, “oh, well, okay. Yeah. All right. I mean, yeah, my po my policy is that I need 24 hours notice, but I get it. You get busy, so we’ll, [00:11:00] we’ll, we’ll, we’ll just discount this one if I do that.”

It’s really not any different than telling your kid. “Okay, fine. Because I still have dishes to wash, you can watch one more show.”

Caterina Rando: Okay. But then next time they’re pushing the boundary and they’re trying to get away with more because you’re not holding the boundary. Yes.

Elisabeth Stitt: You’re not holding the boundary. Where then I hold the boundary for them and they have to quote, unquote, pay the penalty of having it count in the session.

Then, what I’ve found, and this is the really marvelous part, is that they are more attentive. They’ve done more homework. They’re like, boom. Well, they are like ready to work when they show up.

I think there’s something in them that’s going like maybe two things. One is like, “oh, we have to make up that last session, so we have to be super efficient and really focused.”

And I think the other part is like, “wow, Elisabeth, really, she’s really serious about this.”

Caterina Rando: I see. Well, you [00:12:00] know, I think what that speaks to Elisabeth is that we teach people how to treat us. You know? And I have found, and, and like for, give you an example from my business over the last 30 ish years now I have clients that they have a certain number of coaching sessions and I’m, of course if they need to reschedule, I’m happy to reschedule.

But then there’s other programs where there’s no coaching sessions. They don’t get any coaching sessions because they’re in a group program. At the same time, I say to my clients, if you wanna talk to me about something, you’re welcome to talk to me anytime. And I do talk to gals. A gal messaged me yesterday really stressing about something. And I sent her a lovely note and that was enough in that case.

Another gal, she’s like, “Hey, can I have 15 minutes?” Yes, you can have 15 minutes. I’m happy to talk to you.

And at the same time, [00:13:00] having, I think, we might have 80 clients right now, and the most we’ve had is a hundred ish in a year. When I say that to everybody, all those gals, I say, “Hey, my friend, if you need anything, call me, Facebook me, let’s talk. I’ll give you some time.”

Only once that I can think of, so it has to be in recent history. Have I had a client who I felt was taking advantage of that and, and messaging and calling all the time. At the same time, that client was having a very difficult year. And now she’s blissing in her business. You know, she doesn’t call me. Like she’s there when we have group session, but she’s not needing the extra support. And she has been my client for like six years.

So from my perspective, every so often there might be some additional something needed. [00:14:00] And for me that’s okay. But of course I’m an adult. I’m not a kid.

But the problem arises for women that this is a pattern that they teach people that they can always push the boundaries and they can always show up late or they can always make changes or take forever to pay their bills, which of course is a boundary that I do hold my friend.

My clients have to pay their bills for sure, but one of the things I love about a cruise ship is nobody can come late. Nobody can leave early.

And you are so great, you’re a part of our entrepreneurial women community. What have you seen as some of the boundaries where women can use some support?

Elisabeth Stitt: Well, let’s just talk about saying no because that’s a big one. Of course, I always have moms in mind, and I know that a lot of our ladies in TWIBC are [00:15:00] parents have grown and flown kids or, or even grandkids. They’re not necessarily part of their everyday life. And of course, part of the reason we are entrepreneurs is because we want to have the freedom to say yes.

You know, mom, can you watch the kids this afternoon? Yes. Mom, can you drive to such and such? Yes. Mom, can you take the dog while we go on vacation? Yes. And that’s part of the reason that we say it.

And at the same time, the truth is, is that when we say no, the people that we say no to, kindly and firmly, they’ll go find a different solution.

And so, how do we know where to put the boundary is a really good question.

And for me, if you are checking in with how you feel about things, then when you’re feeling annoyed, like when you say yes, and then you call your girlfriend to complain? Okay, that was you not holding a [00:16:00] boundary.

You needed to have held a boundary, even if it was with your beloved child, your beloved adult child.

Or, you know, even a beloved client. If you’re gonna immediately complain about it then that’s a really great sign to go like, “oh, we might have all been better served if I had kindly and firmly said, I’m so sorry, that won’t work for me this time.”

Caterina Rando: Right, right. Elisabeth, I always say that a complaint is an unstated request. It sounds like a complaint can also be a boundary that’s been crossed.

Elisabeth Stitt: Yes. Mm-hmm.

And when can we be flexible? If we feel really good about it? Be flexible, right? Because people are people, they’re in process. Life is messy. Stuff comes up. And any of us who are doing this solo entrepreneurship, we are mostly in the service industry in some way or another. And so [00:17:00] we want to serve people and we want ’em to be happy and we wanna make things work, right?

Caterina Rando: And perfection’s not required.

Elisabeth Stitt: And perfection’s not required.

But that’s my point, is that if the boundary gets crossed… either because they’ve actually crossed it or because we didn’t know we needed it, like there was no line and we needed to have put a line… it doesn’t serve in the long run.

I think it builds up like like a sticky residue between you and the person. And that is, it’s not the other person’s fault.

And let’s say that again, if you either don’t have a boundary or you allow your boundary to be crossed, and then that creates this sticky resentment, probably unspoken, unarticulated between you and another person that’s on you. It’s not on them.

Caterina Rando: Right? Because we can’t expect people to read our minds. Everybody’s [00:18:00] different. You know, if, if I’m meeting a gal for coffee and she’s 10, 15 minutes late, I’m probably catching up on my Facebook messages and I got no problem with that. But of course there might be another time where I have a tighter schedule and it doesn’t work you know? Would be great to know if she was gonna be late so that we can reschedule.

Which means we have to communicate what works for us and what doesn’t work for us.

Yes, and I would say that that there’s something called withholds. It’s like we’re withholding communication. So that’s, I think, Elisabeth, what creates that sticky residue that you’re talking about in relationship?

The more we say what works for us, ask for what we want, communicate how we’re feeling, the more we are gonna be, I hope, creating intimacy and authenticity in our relationship.

Elisabeth Stitt: Yes. And a stronger connection. A [00:19:00] hundred percent.

And the first step to that is listening to yourself and knowing yourself. Because if you don’t, then you don’t create the boundary in the first place.

And you know, a lot of these things are they’re in flux. It’s not like there’s a concrete rule. So I’ll, I’ll share the story of the fact that the third time’s a charm, right? It took us three times to reschedule this time so that you and I could be talking together. And what did I say was gonna happen? What was my boundary if, if we didn’t?

Caterina Rando: Chocolate. You wanted chocolate?

That’s fine. That’s fine. And my friend. I’m more than happy to give you some chocolates if we didn’t.

Elisabeth Stitt: You are anyway. It’s not a, a perfect boundary because it requires you to take action. And so if, if I weren’t so familiar with your chocolate sources I might be afraid that you wouldn’t take action.

But what that did was it said to me, it’s like, “okay, I get it, that Caterina’s busy.

I get it that her life is complex.”

Caterina Rando: But here’s the other thing. It’s like, it’s okay to ask for what we want. You know, [00:20:00] like last time I was just a week out of hip surgery and I just didn’t have the vitality to do it. And so I believe it’s my job to ask, you know?

 And if you had said, “my friend, I really have to do this,” then we would’ve done it for sure. And I love that you said, you know, box of chocolates because getting a box of chocolates is a good thing.

And here’s the other thing. I do agree that when you go the extra mile for someone or you go out of the way for someone that it is really nice when that is acknowledged and that’s what that box of chocolates would have done.

Exactly.

And I’m very glad that we did this today because I’m wanting to talk about boundaries a lot because I do feel that women don’t often create the boundary or recognize the boundary, or more importantly, communicate the boundary.[00:21:00]

‘Cause I’m over here on the other side talking to tons of gals all the time about their businesses and what I’m hearing are the complaints about so and so did this and so and so did that, or they didn’t do this.

And I’m saying, did you communicate to them that that doesn’t work for you? Because we can’t complain about something we didn’t set the bound, I mean, we can complain about it, but all you gotta do is ask for what you want.

I remember many, many years ago, I had a vendor, phenomenal vendor, brilliant vendor, loved this vendor, vibed with her, great gal.

The thing is, it would take her like a week to get back to me. And at some point I said to her, in a loving, kind way, I said, “when you take a week to get back to me, that pushes my projects out, which means the revenue is pushed out. I love working with you, [00:22:00] and if you cannot respond within 24 hours, please let me know because that is what I require for someone who’s my vendor in this area.”

And 20 plus years later, we’re still working together because she got the message. And the other thing is it didn’t create conflict or a discourse. Right. And I think that maybe that’s why we avoid it is we don’t want the conflict or the discourse, but it doesn’t always have to result in that.

Elisabeth Stitt: No, it really doesn’t.

And “no, thank you. I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me. Another time, I’d be happy to do that. Not this time.” Right? Those are all perfectly kind, loving, polite ways to say no to something.

And again, when we articulate what we need and we do it in a non pushy way, we are sending a [00:23:00] clear message of self-respect. I think that when we talk about authenticity, that comes through. And that invites other people to use that same kind of language and to offer themselves and you that same kind of respect.

Caterina Rando: Elisabeth, thank you so much for exploring how we’re gonna bliss through more boundaries with me today. I know you do workshops, you do all kinds of great things. You have massive value. You’re a great educator, you’re fun to be with. Elisabeth has come on some of our cruises. She’s been to our speaker mastermind. She’s a master twirler. She likes to twirl around. She’s a great gal to hang out with.

Elisabeth, tell everyone how they can connect with you and, and what are some of the things that you’re up to that they may wanna be a part of?

Elisabeth Stitt: Okay. If you are a parent of zero to 18, I offer [00:24:00] free webinars every couple months. Those are always a great place to get to know me.

I also send out a blog every Friday, and those are thematic. And they’re thematic so that it applies to the 3-year-old, the 13-year-old, and the 23-year-old. Something like boundaries. Right. Which really applies across the ages.

If you are the parent of a 10 to 14-year-old, you may have a middle schooler.

You can find my “Middle School Moms” Facebook group, that’s what it’s called, “Middle School Moms.” It’s not hard. Fabulous community. Women posting all the time issues that are going on in their household and really very lovingly and friendly other people jumping in to say “What has our experience been? What can we do? What might you do? What might you consider?” Or just to say like, “I’m with you there, sister, and I’m sending you a big hug.”

If you are a California mom and you’ve got tweens [00:25:00] and teens, then do consider the Adventure Day or the Joyful family camp that we were talking about. Right now they’re scheduled in Monterrey, central California coast, but I’m always looking for new places to do it. So if that’s something which sounds fun to you, let’s have a conversation about that. And I can have camp anywhere. So…

Caterina Rando: Bing, Bing, Bing! Absolutely. Elisabeth, thank you so much for being with us today on Expand Your Fempire podcast.

This is one of many, many episodes that we have. Please go to caterinarando.com and listen to them. You can get more episodes wherever you get your podcasts.

Please join us for our upcoming events. I have free workshops every month. We have virtual summits. We do all kinds of exciting things. Our mission here at the Expand Your Fempire Podcast to support you to bliss [00:26:00] and thrive more in your business.

And after today, shine the spotlight on your boundaries. Hopefully you’ll make some upgrades so you can bliss even more. Bing, bing, bing.

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Expand Your Fempire with Caterina Rando.